1) Don't be ambitious. Stupid.
When considering a topic for their dissertation, some people think to themselves, I would really like my project to be meaningful, significant, and imminently publishable. Some people are stupid. A dissertation should be like a colonoscopy; while it's inevitably uncomfortable, invasive, and slightly embarrassing, it should be completed as quickly and painlessly as possible. Also, if you don't get one done, you may end up with severe constipation, gastrointestinal hemmorhage, and various symptoms of inflammatory bowel disease (e.g., vomiting, diarrhea, weight loss, internal muscle spasms), which, coincidentally, also occur during every future dissertation meeting. The message: get it done before the anal bleeding (A.K.A. sixth year).
There is one more parallel to be drawn here. Have you ever met someone who had a meaningful colonoscopy? Does a discussion of this procedure, as frequently as this occurs, include the phrase man, I contributed so much to society by mapping the inside of my colon? No sir, that does not happen. At best there are vague references to the necessity and the awkwardness of the ordeal, as well as a pleading look that says, let's just never talk about this again. It's the same with your dissertation. Trust me, no one I know is proud of what they've done, apart from the fact that they've done it. Every conversation about the big D is always slightly embarrassing, full of qualifiers (I mean, if only my sample wasn't drunk) and disparaging remarks (about half way through I realized my life has no purpose). Therefore, seeing as how you will inevitably regret it all later, pick something easy and banal, that has little to no practical use to anyone. Develop a questionnaire about taking questionnaires. Study the emotional fallout of times new roman versus arial fonts. The simplistic beauty of this approach is that the less societal impact a study has, the less effects there will actually be, and the easier the write up! Remember, h.u.b.r.i.s stands for Honestly, Undertaking Brilliant Research Is Stupid.
2) Be like Frodo: choose your Fellowship wisely.
Writing a dissertation is like a mystical quest to rid the world of an all powerful ring that threatens to enslave all living beings under its baleful countenance. With the usual caveats that the only way to destroy it is via a long and torturous route through enemy territory, encountering vast hordes of misshapen minions, braving the volcanic hellfires of the ring's origin, blah, blah, blah, watch the movies. The point here is that in order to have any hope of accomplishing this foolhardy mission, you will need good and dependable friends. Think of your committee as if your life depends on them. They need to be able to work together and complement one another, whether that involves dwarves for melee and elves for long range support, or a statistician for data analysis and a content specialist for a detailed literature review. For you chair, you need someone wise and thoughtful, as generous with their time as they are prompt with their suggestions. In other words, they need to be Gandalf the Grey. A person whose experience allows them to foresee obstacles, chart a path through difficult times, and provide reassurance, as well as a firm but gentle, corrective hand. Someone who has a vested interest in your personal growth as a hobbit, not just as a means to world salvation.
A word of caution here, you will have no use for Gandalf the White. First of all, he's too old. True fact, dissertations take time. You need your chair to survive at least four years without succumbing to various ailments and maladies. He needs to be strong enough to withstand goblins, Uruk-Hai, and academic reviews. The same goes for your committee members, I mean you wouldn't choose an elf (no matter how good looking) if he was too old to string a bow? (So technically elves are immortal which makes for a bad example, but you get my point). Also, Gandalf the White was never actually around. He had a habit of abandoning his companions to pursue selfish interests (e.g., engaging in mortal combat with a fire-spitting demon) during their time of greatest need, only to show up at the last possible moment with massive cavalry reinforcements. For dissertations, this "white wizard" strategy sucks. It means that your chair will be unreliable and unavailable, and will eventually avoid all of your emails and carrier pigeons. Remember, when choosing a chair:
Gandalf the Grey lights the way,
Gandalf the White will take flight
(and deepen your plight)
3) Try to live in the same state as your project. Or at least the same country.
This helps encourage your research to actually get accomplished. Otherwise you might end up with half of your originally intended sample size. Hypothetically.
4) Avoid avoiding your dissertation for long amounts of time. Think weeks, not months.
There will come a time when you will be absolutely unable to look at your dissertation. No amount of sticker charts, junk food or personalized threats will motivate you. Even contemplating the big D will send tentacles of fear coiling around your heart and mind. You will seek to escape, negatively reinforcing your denial of the substance of your terror. But the beast will remain, patient, growing in strength and stature as it feasts on your fear. Your one true defence is to face the D. Take heart, you don't need to subdue it all at once, in fact it must meet a slow, agonizing end, death by a thousand cuts. Even if all you are doing is adding a reference, that still counts, you are still standing firm, still hacking away! At its heart, the beast is a coward, relying on distorted cognitions, pessimism, and misery to enslave its victims. It cannot bear to repeatedly face the intrepid warrior, and will shrink in your presence until it reveals its true self: tiny, powerless, and waiting to be defeated.
When this dark time comes, it is imperative that you...
5) Do not consistently read books or watch TV.
Anything and everything will seem more interesting than the D. Somehow, you will feel the urge to check your tire pressure, take up knitting, watch Jersey Shore marathons, and blog about dissertations. YOU MUST RESIST. This is only a defence mechanism, as your mind struggles to contemplate the vastness of the task at hand. Trust me, hours and days can pass you by if you succumb to the temptations of reality television and George R.R. Martin. And you will feel dead inside.
Instead it is far healthier to...
6) Scream. Cry. Curse. A lot.
This is common, you are not developing Bipolar Disorder if you seem to have the emotional regulation of a five-year-old. Curse the world. Scream at inanimate objects. Inundate your significant other with the torrent of your grief. Punch kittens. Whatever helps externalize your frustration, thereby releasing some of the pressure on yourself. Think of it as grad school PMS. When tantruming, it's great to have friends who understand and friends who do not. The ones who are going through it with you can commiserate with the details of your plight, but the ones who are not are equally important. They will help balance your life and help you avoid the quicksand of mutual despair. Speaking of friends, you should...
7) Have a friend who is an overachiever relative to you.
Preferably, a friend who is slightly more organized and hard-working. This friend will prove invaluable when reminding you of deadlines, administrative details, and formatting issues. Like a good jogging partner, she will set a pace that is slightly faster than you are currently running, and you will be motivated to keep up. Heed my advice here, do not pick a friend who is as lazy as you, because they are likely to normalize your sloth, which in the end, benefits no one. Also, do not choose a friend who over-achieves to the extreme. You will quickly dismiss her as an unattainable standard and feel even worse about yourself. Not what friends are for.
8) Choose coffee shops wisely. With lots of plugs.
You will get to know barristas around town intimately. They will be a welcome source of conversation and distraction. Try not to come on to them too much, things could get awkward.
9) Save compulsively. Like every 5 minutes. In different formats.
Let me tell you my nightmare. It starts off wonderfully. I have just completed the final draft of my document. There it is on my computer screen, glowing softly in the warm haze of triumph as my smile threatens to break my face. And then it happens. What exactly, I'm not sure. There is a blinding flash of light and whirring noises and suddenly everything fades to black. All the lights go out and my computer sits there, crippled, mocking me. After the disorientation, I try to turn my computer back on. Nothing happens. I try pressing the power button a few more times, with varying degrees of pressure and frequency. Still nothing. Then the true horror dawns, like an eclipse slowly blotting out the sun. I didn't save it. 4 years and now nothing. My mind shatters instantly, as a blood chilling screams signifies my descent into insanity.
(Now that I think about it, it was definitely a massive alien EMP shockwave. Duh.)
10) Try not think existentially. It will drive you crazy.
When writing a dissertation it is best not to ask open-ended questions of yourself. Avoid the Whs and the Hows, because they lead nowhere (ex: why am I doing this? What is the meaning of this project? Where is my life going? How can I ever get it done?). Instead, close ended, forced choice questions (ex: do I want to graduate? Can I read one more abstract? Does my chair hate me?) lead to better results. You need to focus on what you can achieve, not what you believe. Inspirational, I know.
To conclude, a dissertation is like a colonoscopy, a descent into the fires of Mordor, a fear consuming mental beast, Bipolar Disorder, PMS, and an electronic armaggedon. Whew. No wonder it's so hard. Gotta get back to work.
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