How to tell if someone's your friend.

I've gone through a bit of a rough patch this last week or so. Nothing life shattering, but still pretty uncomfortable emotionally. As someone who has some experience with helping people through rough patches, there seem to be certain methods which are common in alleviating distress. Some people choose to escape, through drinking, partying, playing video games etc. Some people become overwhelmed and become incapacitated. I choose to overdose on friendship. Luckily for me, I seem to have an abundance of caring, thoughtful, silly, awesome people in my life, who are willing to provide me with my drug of choice. So, as a small token of my appreciation to them--because there's no way any blog post could ever convey the depth of my gratitude--here are some ways that I can identify my true friends...

True Friends...

...will offer a hug before you even know you need one.

...have heard you say, and have said to you, "I cried it out"

...have seen you cry

...will make you laugh, despite your best efforts to be miserable

...will "plank" on command

...have sung/danced to at least one boyband song with you

...have listened to 5 consecutive hours of Backstreet Boys with you to determine the best and worst songs of all time

...are not ashamed to admit this

...will meet you for a coffee and a video game session from 11 pm to 2 am on a weeknight, just because you need it.

...will be angrier about you being wronged than you are

...will offer to taze or punch someone in the face on reputation alone

...will make you uncomfortable that this might actually happen

...will tell you, gently, that you're being an asshole

...will tell you, as often as is necessary, that you're worthy of the best...especially when you feel the worst

...can cross reference events that occurred in the past decade that relate directly to your current predicament

...will spontaneously develop a "how to know if you're a douchebag list" with you

...will encourage you to blog about this list (upcoming)

...can make insights about you that seem clairvoyant

...will let you be in relationships, even if they don't agree

...refuse to say "I told you so"

...have an extremely high tolerance for your ridiculousness

...are equally ridiculous

...somehow find the same joke hilarious on the 72nd retelling

...have an infinite variety of ways of hilariously finishing the sentence stem "remember that time when..."

...insult you regularly without ever offending

...if prompted, will rate the relative hotness of deceased celebrities

...have had at least one bro-date where the two of you have done activities that what would otherwise be characterized as a romantic if done with a potential dating partner (e.g., watching a movie together on Valentine's day)

...were completely comfortable during said activity. Well, pretty comfortable anyways

...have had others' accurately describe your relationship as an ongoing bromance

...have weekly Skype chats

...have other friends/significant others that know not to schedule activities on Wednesday evenings so they won't interfere with your weekly Skype chats

...know you better than anyone else. period.

...enter through the side door in your house

...have parents that give you dating advice

...have parents who use you as a role model for their own child (Stephen! Why you don't study hard like Sam?!)


...inspire you to write blog posts about them

...have seen sides of you that you have not shown anyone else

...feel more like family than much of your family

Seriously guys. Gratitude is too small of a word for the feelings I have to all of you who I consider to be my friends. Know that the best parts of me are the parts that you have developed, and the worst parts of me are the ones you have accepted. I am me, because of you.

(Ed note: So much sappiness! Why are your blog posts so sappy!!)