Psam Dates Quickly

Modern dating as a young, urban professional is like one of those compound Olympic sports, the ones where athletes are really good at lots of things, but not really spectacular at any one thing. You know, like the biathlon, where in all likelihood some Scandinavian fellow became intoxicated one evening and decided that not only would he repeatedly cross-country ski in a giant circle but he would shoot stuff with a rifle too. I assume to make the spandex unitard seem a little more manly. In terms of dating, there are just so many options out there within the Date-thlon, that it takes a special social athlete to master the intricacies. I am training to become that athlete. Within the last few months, I have literally tried 9 different ways to date, with varying degrees of success. There's the Standard Friend Set-up, the Parent-Based Set-up, the Co-worker Set-up, the Daytime Pick-Up,  the One Night Stand, the Blind Date, the Internet Dating Site, the Date Auction, and now, the focus of this blog post: The Speed Date(s). Before we go any further, let's look at some of the skills underlying these efforts and the degree of difficulty it takes to master them all. The first 3 categories require you to have enough social skill to maintain positive relationships amongst very disparate social groups. The next 2 require enough panache (i.e., "game") to meet a complete stranger, build enough rapport for them to trust you with personally identifying information and/or their bodies, and at the same time not come off as a giant creeper. The Internet Dating Site involves one being able to take photos of oneself that A) appear totally natural and not the result of fiddling with a self-timer for half an hour B) do not include a friend that is more attractive than you C) includes just the right amount of cleavage/bicep to be suggestive, yet not slutty.  The Date Auction necessitates that you have enough cash to pay a woman for her time and company, and enough scruples to not use the same funds on other methods of obtaining the same services. etc. To summarize, dating well is hard.

The Speed Date(s) is no exception to the dating world. It also requires a unique set of skills and abilities for success. Here's my breakdown of this event:

The Preamble

This particular event was put on by speedtorontodating.com, which is affiliated with speedladating.com and various other metropolis-based speed dating websites. It was held at the Stirling Room, which is a chic lounge located in the distillery district. The lounge is an interesting mix of exposed brick and modern furniture, with unisex bathrooms (Ed note: somehow communal bathrooms have become a symbol of modern trendiness: peeing with your own gender is so 2000s) and upscale bartenders. When you enter, you are assigned a number (7 for me) and are told to "mingle" before the event actually begins. The organizers also give you a scorecard, where you rank your top five ladies and rate each lady on a 5-point scale (1= definitely, 2 = could have a cup of coffee with, 3 = not really my type, don't really remember 4, 5 = Not in a million years (which is really mean)). If you rank a lady highly and they rank you highly in return then boom, you're in business, the organizers will give you mutual contact information. There's a table with somewhat low-end snacks (e.g., sausage rolls), a bar, and a few booths to either side of the main entrance, dimly lit with lamps.

I am incredibly nervous. It seems that I am not the only one feeling this way because there are several young men sitting together in a group, trying their best to look confident and busy, but really just kind of looking anxious and miserable. It's like that first elementary school dance where the girls and the guys sit on opposite ends of the gym and stare longingly at each other. I try and lighten the mood by starting a conversation. It dies quickly. I wander a bit, eat some unappetizing appetizers and strike up a conversation with male number 6. Turns out he's originally from somewhere in South-East Asia, does IT consultation and support, seems like a really nice guy, and is quite short. We decide to head over the female side of the room and approach two ladies chatting comfortably on a bench. This it seems, is a vital strategy, considering you only have a limited time with each lady during the event, it makes sense to build as much of a connection as you can before and after the main portion. I meet Lady 12, and she is easy to talk to and easier to look at. The night seems very promising. We are waist-deep in a comparative analysis of The Hunger Games movie vs. book (book always wins) when a Petite Woman in a black cocktail dress informs us that we need to take our stations for the main event.

The Speed Date(s)

I approach table number 7 and find that it is already occupied by guy Number 13. Apparently, the Speed-Date concept is a little too challenging for some. The Petite Woman intervenes on my behalf.

Lady Number 7: The Asian Teleporter

Seeing as how I am a speed-date virgin, I am a little nervous about my first time. Luckily, Number 7 is really gentle with me, as she is easy to talk to and average in appearance. After a few basic pleasantries I decide to turn on the playfulness and ask about her favourite superpower. She wishes she could teleport, as a means to travel on the cheap and thus explore the world. I point out that in some iterations, teleportation does not include one's clothes. We discuss ways of getting around this potential obstacle (e.g., teleporting into exotic Salvation Armys as a waypoint). She points out that my choice of time control may result in accelerated aging if used too frequently. Naturally, the conversation turns to Star Trek: TNG. I am in shock at how easily I can converse about extremely nerdy things. If only she were more attractive...

Lady Number 8: Nutritionist Social Worker

The second woman I am physically attracted to that night. She's a brunette and really relaxed and friendly. We talk about her dream to work as a social worker, which is a little different from her current job of being a nutritionist. For the first of many times, I try to explain what a psychometrist is (i.e., basically a psychologist in training). The Petite Woman cuts us off a little too quickly. Lady Number 8 gets a 1.

Ladies Number 9-11: The Beauty School Professionals

An interesting side note about Speed-Dating is how either gender approaches the concept in general. For men, myself included, the focus is solely on meeting attractive ladies and procuring second dates. The more dates, the more successful the endeavour. Women, on the other hand, use these events as much more of a social occasion, a fun way to spend an evening with a few girlfriends. Goals for women seem a little less defined, more an opportunity to "meet people," including other fun women. So, while the men tend to take a lone wolf approach, the women are more likely to Speed-Date in packs. This was the largest pack.

Ladies Number 9, 10, 11 are a bit of a blur, in fact I don't really even remember Number 9. What I do recall is that they were all friends, and therefore referenced each other liberally, again confusing them in my mind. Pro Tip: if group Speed-Dating, don't let others confuse yourself with your friends. Also, they were all somehow connected to a beauty school, one was a cosmetologist, one a professor, and this was ironic considering that they were not really that beautiful. Actually, they became progressively less beautiful (and more made-up).

Lady Number 12: The Tall One

Here's the advantage of putting in some effort pre-speed date, when you actually get to that lady again, things go smoother. Lady 12 and I continue where we left off, chatting amiably about her brother's Olympic aspirations, being a physiotherapy student and the discomfort of wearing heels. This last point is key because she reveals that she is 6' tall without heels. I am 6' tall and a non-believer. We get up to compare our heights and she is a full 4" taller than me, which non-coincidentally are the exact height of her heels. I secretly wonder if she could block my jump shot, which gets me inexplicably excited. She's also very attractive in those heels, because the distance from ankle to (high cut) dress hem is wonderfully long. Needless to say, Lady 12 is a solid 1, and very high on my list.

Lady Number 13: Low-cut Dress

That really says it all. There are other details that could be discussed (e.g., she is friends with Number 12, she enjoys sports, she is very beautiful) but the only thing I could focus on during our time together was that I needed to maintain eye contact at all times. A gentleman always does. I think that the dress itself garnered a 2.

Lady Number 14: The Croatian

Lady 14 had a unique name, which after some querying was revealed to be of Croatian heritage. Turns out that she doesn't really know much about Croatia though. We talk a bit about Dubrovnik. This is the first time I am bored during the evening. Also, she doesn't really smile that much, which is off-putting.

Lady Number 15: The Italian

I'm lukewarm about the Italian. On the one hand our conversation is pleasant enough, we talk about Italy and Cinque Terre, and the unfortunate Euro 2012 championship match. She's somewhat attractive, if a bit over-tanned and over-highlighted. To be completely accurate, I think she should get a  2.5 rating, although I'm not sure what kind of date would be less involved than a cup of coffee. Perhaps Skype.

Lady Number 16: The Veteran

Lady 16 is Asian, slender, and guarded. It turns out that she's been to a million Speed-Dating events and has obviously been jaded by her experiences. I try to gain some wisdom from this master, hoping that she will be the Yoda of Speed-Dating. She doesn't give me any useful tips (i.e., maintain good dental hygiene, don't be over-aggressive) and comes off as a bit condescending. I begin to understand her lack of success in this arena. The question remains: why come back?

Lady Number 17: The Reporter

If there was a draft of all the women in the room, Lady Number 17 would be my number one overall pick. She'd be the Lebron James of speedtorontodating.com, a once in a generation talent. Obviously, she's attractive, dark hair, large green (?) eyes, and petite frame. She has great eye contact. Clearly, she's also intelligent, articulate, and just damn fun. We have a tete-a-tete about the relative merits of panda bears. She tells me that she is going to the Olympics as a reporter for a local paper. As a bonus, I happen to love the Olympics. I explain the intricacies of standard distributions and IQ tests, facetiously offering to give her one. She is actually excited about taking an IQ test, setting the table for what could potentially be the weirdest first date in history. She gives me a "1" right in front of me and I reciprocate. We continue to talk half way into intermission. I think Steven A. Smith just gave me an "A" on his draft report card.

Intermission:

We get a 15 minute break to rest and/or mingle. Here another tip on Speed-Dating, use your breaks to continue to build rapport. As I leave the bathroom, Lady Number 12 approaches again and we continue our banter. I feel quite confident that I have this date locked down. Also, if you're a guy, sign up behind someone who is less attractive than you. As a male you rotate one spot counter-clockwise every 7 minutes, that means that the ladies that you meet will always be comparing you to the same guy that they have just seen. It make sense then, from a psychological perspective, to follow someone who is shorter/less funny/less attractive than you, so you can take advantage of what's known as Downward Social Comparisons. It also helps if the guy right after you is also less desirable, but that's out of your control. Unless you were to bring an ugly friend.

Lady Number 18: The Pilates Instructor

This conversation probably won for most informative of the evening. I learned about the pitfalls of reality dance competitions (i.e., dancers push themselves so hard that their careers are prematurely shortened via injury) and a more holistic approach to overall physical health, which takes into account physical posture and an analysis of body movements. Lady Number 18 is eloquent, engaging, and somewhat self-deprecating, all of which intrigues me. I'm willing to explore this further...

Lady Number 1: The Bartender

At this point I have to cross over to the other side of the room and I come across a blonde beauty in a corset -like blouse and mini-skirt. She is super chatty, slightly inebriated and fun to hang out with. We talk about the pitfalls of trying to pick up bartenders. Apparently the most effective strategy is to be a bit of an alcoholic, so you can build up a relationship over time. One-liners and drunken stupor do not work so well. It's a pleasant conversation but I don't sense it progressing much further. This is a prototypical "2," interested, but not excessively so.

Lady Number 2: The Hot Nurse

So, take Lady Number 1, make her brunette, tan her, give her one more glass of wine, turn her personality up a few notches, and you have Lady Number 2. Hot Nurse has a dazzling smile, which she uses liberally. She is also touchy and spunky. I decide to push our conversation in random directions and we somehow end up discussing adult diapers and whether they would look good in purple. Hot Nurse has this way of making everything seem hilarious and I'm a little disoriented by her. I am crossing every digit, and knocking on every wooden object within reach that we match.

Lady Number 3: Streetfighter

So, at this point, I had been talking and listening to ladies for about an hour and a half straight. I was exhausted. Pro tip: when Speed-Dating pace yourself, you don't have to be super energetic the whole night. Under this mental haze and just as a coincidence, things started to get really weird. Lady Number 3 was a small Asian with a loud personality. She gave especially firm handshakes and was exceedingly skilled at projecting her voice. We talked quite amicably about board games and other nerdy pursuits. It was enjoyable but she wasn't really my type. Fast-forward to the end of the night and as I'm filling out the rest of the scorecard I hear Number 3's voice call my name from across the room. I look up and as she pushes both palms towards me, she exclaims "Hadukan!" I just got fireballed. My mind momentarily goes blank as it struggles to comprehend what just happened. What the hell just happened? How do I respond? I panic and institute an E. Honda Thousand Hand Slap. On the one hand I know this will be ineffective in game, but on the other hand I am having an out-of-body experience. Did I just pantomime thousand hand slap a lady at a lounge? She attempts a fiery uppercut but I transform it into a fist bump. The weirdness has to stop.

Lady Number 4: The Platypus

It doesn't stop, it just changes directions. To be fair, I am just as much to blame by asking a silly question like, if you were an animal, what animal would you be? So perhaps I should not have been surprised by the response: a platypus. Why a platypus? Because it's blind, an egg laying mammal, and poisons other beings with its hind legs. Wait, what? Yeah, that makes them really cool. Awkward pause. We recover a bit by talking about our grandparents and she tells a rather endearing story about her grandma keying some jerk's car. I still can't get over the platypus thing.

Lady Number 5: The Circus Student

Number 5 is Caucasian, and a bit on the heavy side. She's not really my type so I decide to have some fun with it. I challenge her to differentiate herself from the other 16 girls I've talked to so far. She says that she went to a small circus school and that she was an acrobat. I am struggling to imagine this particular lady in tight spandex doing acrobat-like things. All I want to do now is not talk for the next 5 minutes but I tell myself to Man Up! and gamely soldier through. I tell her that I was a movie star in high school. Technically true, if you have very liberal interpretations of the words "movie" and "star."

Lady Number 6: The Debater

I've reached the end! Not a moment too soon because I'm about to collapse. Turns out that the finale is a feisty, intelligent Asian woman, probably in her late 20s to early 30s. When I say my name, she says that she's been waiting for me. Huh? Apparently she has talked to some of the other ladies and I have received positive reviews. A solid ego boost. She decides to have an in-depth discussion about the field of psychology and it's application in the world of human resources. In other circumstances this would be fascinating to discuss, but I'm drained and work stuff is the last thing on my mind. We do end up having a pretty great conversation though that lasts well beyond the 7 minute mark.

Two hours later I leave the Stirling Room, exhausted and smiling, beginning the long trek back to Union Station. I've just had 15 dates! Such value! My expectations are really not that high. If I get one follow-up date with one of my top 3 then I would consider it a successful evening. After all, I only ranked 6. Thanks Speed-Dating for one crazy, weird and fun night.

(2 days later, I find out I have 3 dates, 2 of which were in the top 3. There's only one appropriate response to that: Hadukan!)